Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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