you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
