Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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