Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
