Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
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Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
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Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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