She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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