Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
