Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
