Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
