He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
