Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died