I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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