Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.