batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.