i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life