how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
