All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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