I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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