i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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