I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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