i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
