the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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