she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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