I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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