so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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