just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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