you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
