he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
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Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
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I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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