Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
