It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
