remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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