i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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