i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
