My Higher Power is John Stamos
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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