Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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