tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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