just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
