Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
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everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
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Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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