I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
