Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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