I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
