Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There r osticjed everywhere
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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