Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
