I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
