I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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