I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
