genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
