We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
