Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
