How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
