he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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