Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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