Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
