remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
