i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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