i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
