Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
