GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
