I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
