apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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