i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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