turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
