I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
