i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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