Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
God, you're like boner-b-gone
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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