I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
